Genre: Life Experience
Plot: Your Biggest Regret
Words to use: omission, account, remorse, guilt, redo, memory, curse, consequence, history, intention, bitter, lingering, everlasting, haunting, deep
Who doesn’t look back and have a regret—or two? But, with all the remorse I may feel, it all taught me things that have made me who I am today. And, I wonder, if I made the other choice, would life be better? Would I benefit from a ‘redo’ in life?
The account of my life is a curse from the beginning, but I may be overly dramatic. My history starts with being unwanted from youthful ignorance. I tell you that, not for you to feel sorry for me. I hate pity. Am I bitter? Damn right, but that is for another time. It is a haunting tale.
It started with guilt and the consequence of my own folly. It was within a period of deep mania I called the late teenage years, bursting into the world of adults, and having no guidance by anyone who cared about me. I was one who needed it, because I had been lost in fear and people-pleasing trauma from a narcissistic sociopath for a father and a mother who found motherhood too overwhelming. The lingering results of cruelty and emotional neglect was an angry monster raging inside my psyche that sought to destroy everything that was precious.
The memory still fresh after many years and feels like an everlastingwound. It would be the last few months of Senior year of High School. My entire school life was a train wreck. The past was the catalyst to my greatest regret. Little did I know, I was about to go from the frying pan, right into the fire.
I had two paths in front of me. My idea was to sign up for community college to start and get a degree in English, my favorite subject and one that came rather easy. The other was to move out of my parent’s house and in with my grandparents. I chose the later and it was a huge mistake. But, my intention was good, I was trying to get away from trouble, but I couldn’t outrun myself. Not only did trouble follow, I now lived with my abuser. It is strange to realize that so often within families, abuse is normalized. It is pushed under the rug and ignored. That was my case. Without going into too much detail, my grandfather was evil…period. A typical narcissist who all on the outside considered an upstanding guy. But, privately, he made his family’s lives miserable. Just as his father before him, he was a philanderer and a pervert. To this day, I want to kick myself for allowing myself into more trauma. It is a nightmare that I prayed would end, but it took a long time. He lived until he was 97 years old, because the old angry bastard wanted to make sure he lingered to torture us. There was no funeral, no tears of loss. Just a weight lifted that turned into roaring anger.
If I could go back in time, it would be the only thing I would have changed. I should have done the English degree and would be years ahead with writing. I still would have married my husband and had my babies. The trait I had missing within myself back then, was self-esteem, but it had been stolen from me. A sensitive and creative person thrust into abuse from birth so, of course, they will make mistakes with their lives. I did much better than some others under the same circumstances. I feel like, despite all the chaos, I had someone watching over me, making sure I didn’t do too much damage to myself. That truth I consider with gratitude.
Now, I am processing and forgiving and finding myself. If someone finds it uncomfortable, that’s okay. I am worth more than how people have treated and continue to treat me.